


I AM FOND OF YOU

by quitesnotty



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, i guess, the lobster au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:24:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7140068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quitesnotty/pseuds/quitesnotty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>robert, short for time, and eames, a bit cynical, meet at a party thrown at the hotel they are both being forced to stay at. the hotels purpose is to partner up society's singles in 45 days, and those that are still alone at that point are turned into animals. dumb au fic. seeing the film "the lobster" is probably helpful to understand this, but not essential.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. MEET

**Author's Note:**

> wow i havent written in a while so this might be a bit rubbish but there is NO fic for eames/fischer which is sad :(  
> this fic is a dumb idea but it made me laugh and im having fun writing it so i hope u enjoy !! :0

robert fischer had just been dumped by his fiancée. he didn't blame her. it was a loveless engagement; she was in it for the money, him to please his father. they had been together for two and a half years before she decided to break it off. robert supposed that his constantly full schedule and lack of any romantic or sexual attraction to her had become more unbearable than the thought of fortunes could soothe. he would say it was her loss, and he wasn't really upset with her emotionally, but her sudden disinterest in him had put robert in a sticky situation. 

see, robert's father was dying. and as they head of such a large corporation, if he wasn't around when it finally happened, there would be a large window for all sorts of dubious figures to cheat him out of his inheritance. it was highly likely that maurice fischer would pass away in the next 45 days, and so robert was more desperate than most others at the hotel. not all, but most. there was not much point in leaving the hotel on two feet if he had nothing to come back to.

"sir, please look into the camera here. there we go. have you ever been on your own before?"

“no”

"how long was your last relationship?"

"two years and six months"

"sexual preference?"

"men" 

"do you have any children?"

"no"

robert listened carefully as the maid listed off the rules of the hotel. only couples allowed on the tennis courts. in a single room, then upgraded when he finds a partner. no personal belongings allowed. no smoking. shoe size?  
robert gave her his clothes and took the shoes she held out to him. sitting in his white vest and underpants among the other newcomers, he felt incredibly cold.

his room was small, but nice enough. what more do you need than a bed and a bathroom? looking around, he found a tranquilizer gun, 20 darts, cologne, identical sets of clothes in the wardrobe, a black watch and a pair of sunglasses. a woman, the hotel manager, came to talk to him about his stay. told him he shouldn't be scared or worried about not finding a partner, that being turned into an animal could be quite liberating. had he thought about what animal he'd like to be? he hadn't. he chose not to engage the woman particularly, and their conversation was over quickly. before she left she got one of her attendants to handcuff one arm behind his back; to teach him how much easier life is when there are two instead of one. 

robert sat on his bed and thought about how stupid that was. this wouldn't help him one bit, and served only to humiliate him, to give him a reason to want to leave. as if being turned into an animal wasn't enough. he knew he was going to have difficulty finding a partner. he had met his fiancée under rather forced circumstances, and he knew full well he didn't have a particularly sparkling personality. it's not as if buying extra days by shooting loners in the woods would help him any either, as to his knowledge his father was fading fast. in all honesty, robert fischer was fucked.

\----

he was sat by himself.

"would you like to dance?" the girl looked young, slightly younger than him. she had straight blonde hair and a gap between her teeth. she was wearing the same floral dress as every other woman in the room, and she really did look quite sweet. unfortunately for her, she was not really robert's type. 

"sorry, no" cold.

"ah, alright then. see you" stung.

shit. he needed to work on being nicer- these people had done nothing wrong, they were in the same boat. that girl didn't deserve such a clinical rejection. he'd try harder next time.

"hello" this voice was warmer, and deeper. more confident.

"hi" robert made an effort to smile as he looked up at the man. he had wide shoulders.

"would you like to dance?" the cheeky inflection almost made robert blush.

"mm. dancing's not really my thing." he tried to sound apologetic.

"alright, mate" the man patted him on the shoulder with enough force to imply meaning. friendly. more than friendly. robert watched him walk off to find another partner. there were plenty of other people sitting on their own in the formal wear they'd been provided with, waiting to be asked to dance. the man wouldn't have a problem.

that was the purpose of the night, anyway. all the new guests shoved together, all dolled up, and encouraged to mingle. some danced together, slowly and awkwardly, in the low light. some sat in small same-sex groups, chatting gingerly to new friends they had made that same day. some sat in couples, desperately grasping for potential shared interests. some, like robert, sat alone.

as you've seen though, it's by choice. more than two people had already asked him to dance; he supposed he was quite good looking. either that or they knew who he was. he didn't really mind that people were after him for his money, though. he was used to it. he understood.

robert was jogged from his train of thought by the man with the wide shoulders from earlier plopping himself down in the seat next to him.

"hello again" said robert. inexplicably, he was somewhat glad the man had returned.

"hi" he grinned at robert for a seconds, before sitting upright and leaning his elbow on the back of his chair, other elbow on the table and his chin in his hands, still facing robert. "bullshit this, isn't it?" 

Robert snorted. "yeah?"

"yeah. all the matching outfits, the creepy hotel manager watching over us. i feel like a toy man. doesn’t it feel weird and staged?"

"oh? seemed to me like you were enjoying it. throwing yourself in" he turned slightly to face the other man.

"i thought i'd try it before i knocked it," robert snorted again. the man paused, smiling for a second. "and. as it turns out my hypothesis was correct; i thought it would be bloody stupid, and it was. why are you laughing?" he finished the sentence himself with a laugh.

"i don't know. you're right i suppose"

"look, despite all of what i just said, i still find myself wanting to dance with you"

"you must really want to then" robert stood up. "come on”

\---

there was some sort of ruckus going on as eames stepped out onto the patio. two people were definitely fighting, and a few people scattered around were stood and watching, one woman was closer to the brawling men than everyone else.

a faint "fuck you" in a familiar voice alerted him to the fact that one of the men was robert. he had blood dripping all over his face, and had just been floored by a particularly hard punch to the gut. the other man was considerably larger than him, and though visibly tousled, he had sustained a much lower level of injury.

"hey. HEY" eames shouted at the man, sticking his arm out and walking quickly and determinedly towards them. "fuck off, yeah?" he got between robert and the other man. 

"who are you, his fucking boyfriend?"

"look mate, if you want to go there we can, but i wouldn't recommend it, "

the man considered him for a moment, before turning, taking the arm of the girl standing near, and sloping off, muttering something about "bloody poofs".

eames turned to where robert was now sitting, holding his face, and crouched. the blood seemed to be coming from his nose. 

"you alright darling?”

eames was gentleman enough to try and help robert up to their room. the other man was really quite out of sorts- he could just about limp along with eames' arm wrapped around his back, his own arm draped over the other man's neck. 

"all i said was that their relationship was formed unstably and they were only together because it mutually benefitted them both" he said quickly, mumbling.

eames huffed a laugh. "in those words?"

"i may have, ah" eames shifted his arm to make robert more comfortable. "mentioned the woman’s looks. only to prove my point. i didn't mean anything by it. "

"sure." they stumbled the rest of the way to the room in an amiable silence.

eames gently put robert on the toilet, opening the cupboard under the sink to try and find a first aid kit.

"i've got blood all over your shirt. sorry" eames turned to look at him, and he really did seem sorry.

"don't sweat it. it’s not my shirt anyway" he smiled. robert smiled back.

"yeah." eames knelt down in front of him and opened the first aid kit- it was under the sink. he started to clean robert's face with an antiseptic wipe. it was silent again.

eames really studied robert's face. it was lovely, even half smeared with blood. he was glad it was him that he'd chosen to go back and sit with on that first night. they'd really hit it off. while eames viewed the whole hotel system as ultimately fake and built on a genuinely oppressive and deadly law, it seemed to have worked in his and roberts case. he knew that it was ironic. 

he finished cleaning the other man's face, as best he could, and leaned back. he had his eyes closed. eames moved forward, resting his forehead against robert's. he opened his eyes. "hi"

"hi"

eames kissed him, and it was nice.

\---

“one more day then” said eames. he and Robert were sitting at a table together in the ‘couples dining area’. it was 8:30am and the sun shone softly over the tables. there was something kinda smug in the air- everyone this side of the rope knew they were doing something right. they were slightly better than everyone else at the hotel. eames didn't really like that. he didn't want to think about it, either. he was sat eating toast and drinking tea with someone he liked more than he'd liked anyone in a while.

"i know. how exiting" robert said drily, but the small smile he gave as looked up through his eyelashes from his newspaper was warm. "strange to think that we've only been fucking for two weeks. feels longer than that." eames laughed.

"is that all i am to you? a fuck? robert, i'm hurt" he took a bite of his toast.

"you know what i mean." robert put down him newspaper and sat up slightly, looking at eames. "do you think we'll do it?"

"i don't know. do you think i'll be able to bear only your company for two weeks?"

"the other way round, more like. seriously though. i know we've only been 'together' for two weeks. it seems soon to be moving this fast. should we be building a relationship from these circumstances?" he seemed genuinely distressed.

"look. love. it's not like we have much choice." eames leaned forward. "either this works and we're together forever, this works but we split up and find ourselves back here or it doesn't work and we find ourselves being turned into dogs"

"i wanted to be a dove"

"fine then, turned into a dog and a dove" eames laughed. " what i'm trying to say is we've got nothing to lose"

robert stayed silent. eames knew that he was worried about his father, about his company. it killed him to see the other man so upset.

"hey, all that stuff, that's what my logical thinking brain says, yeah? but my gut tells me we're gonna last, robert. i really like you. i think you're ace." robert put down the mug he was drinking from and said something, too quiet for eames to hear.

"sorry love?"

"i think you're ace too. or whatever, i don't know." he looked down.

"honestly, i think we've got a chance robert"

"yeah, i think so too."


	2. YACHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things escalate a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how it took me from 1am to 4am to write this. i dont know why aaha!! tw i guess because there's a bit of violence in this chapter. enjoy !

the sea was glimmering like raw meat, and there was a soft breeze gently bumping at the heat of the summer morning. eames and robert were sat at a table overlooking the cove, having a post-tennis-match-drink. the trees were green and the people around them were happy and smiling- everything seemed to be at a heightened point of perfect. 

they watched as people took walks on the green, of sat in the hot-tubs across the courtyard. they had the option to sit in a restricted, couples only area, but they enjoyed seeing people try to form relationships. it sounded harsh, but their awkwardness was often funny.

the two were broken from their silent people-watching when someone approached them. it was the girl that had first asked robert to dance.

"hello sofia." said robert. the two of them had remained friendly while robert and eames' relationship had been building, and in such a place where you know nobody, even the mildest of acquaintances counted as good friends.

"hello robert, hi eames," eames nodded. "mind if i join you?"

"not at all darling, take a seat," eames also liked sofia.

"so. you two. on a yacht! please tell me it's weird, everyone else acts like it’s the best thing in the world. you two are the only normal people i know."

"it's very weird." said robert. "i mean i hardly know this man and now we're meant to live together? i mean,"

"oi you. he's exaggerating. obviously it's the best experience he's ever had, and he absolutely loves me to bits,"

"ok, now who's exaggerating? but seriously, i think we're doing fine. it is weird though."

robert took a sip of his drink. their first few days in the yacht had been nice, actually. getting the option to cook their own food meant that robert was exposed to eames' skills in the kitchen, and the idea of living together seemed more and more realistic.

"god, you two are bloody smitten aren't you. i hope you last" moaned, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. eames snorted.

"thanks sof!"

"oh, you know what i meant. i mean it too. you're a good couple."

"speaking of. how's your hunt for a man?" asked eames, keen to gossip.

"not brilliant, actually. there was this one guy who would always eat near me who i thought was cute, but he's pretty happy snogging the face off some girl with ugly eyebrows."

"he doesn't know what he's missing darling" eames was supportive and excitable when drunk, and he happened to be a little bit tipsy.

"you'll be fine," said robert softly. "you're a beautiful girl sofia, and any man would be lucky to have you" spending time around eames had worker in making robert a bit nicer, or at least thawing the chill around him a little. 

"i wish,"

"it's true!" insisted eames.

"it really is. honestly, you'll find someone good enough for you soon. you are of a higher calibre of ladies in this hotel. trust me, you'll be snapped up quick,"

"i better be," sofia stole a swig of eames' scotch. "i've only got 8 days left. and i don't particularly want to make a life of shooting loners to keep from becoming one myself."

\---

"GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING," yelled robert. he was standing across from eames in their tiny kitchen. they'd been on the yacht for 10 days. "darling, darling, have another drink, darling, come here," his english accent was mocking and cruel. "can i not have one fucking second of peace without your voice in my ear?"

it had taken about eight days for the pair to start stepping on each others toes. robert didn’t like how much eames drank, how he always wanted to talk, even when robert was reading. eames didn't like how uptight robert could be, constantly telling him his style of living was too messy. the yacht, it seemed, wasn't big enough for the both of them.

"yknow what? fuck you." eames was getting kinda pissed.

"fuck me?" robert was incredulous.

"yeah fuck you! jesus you think i don't give you a second to think? try living with yourself constantly harping on about oh eames put your clothes away, eames don't leave your glass on the table, jesus eames i don't even know what i saw in you,"

robert rolled his eyes, and tried to walk out of the room. eames grabbed his arm.

"fuck you robert we're sorting this out, im not getting turned into a dog because you don't like getting yelled at,"

robert pushed him. both hand right in the chest, hard enough to hurt. hard enough to knock eames against the doorframe. he before his back hit wood though, his right arm moved forward and hit robert square in the face. 

it happened very quickly, and the next second eames was slumped against the doorframe panting and robert was across the room holding his face. the room was silent for a few minutes. slowly, robert sat up. he was still holding his face, but eames could see he was bleeding. his heart hurt, sharp and winding. he didn't know what to do.

"fucking hell eames," robert's voice was thick and quiet. eames couldn't tell whether or not he was crying. time seemed to speed up for where it had slowed down in the seconds prior. eames was starting to panic. 

"shit. fuck. robert," he was at the other man's side now, not sure how close he was allowed to get. "fuck. i'm so sorry. i didn’t, fuck i didn’t mean to hit you darling, but you shoved me pretty fucking hard," there was silence. "it was a reflex.”

\---

having a fight was possibly the stupidest thing they could've done. not only did robert now have a broken nose, but he also had a child to look after. the hotel had paid them a visit in the infirmary and told them, in a several more, flowery words, that they could either take in a child, or be turned into animals straight away. as neither of them really wanted to wake up without their hands, they had taken in the girl. her name was laura, she had short brown hair and she was very, very annoying.

for example; it was 6:02 am, and currently she was sitting on their bed. 

"hi daddy, hi papa!" she said, not quietly.

"hi laura," said eames blearily.

"don't call us that," robert was a bit less warm. he supposed the honeymoon period of their relationship was over and the days of happily talking on a warm patio and drinking wine as the sun set were gone. now his life was hyper 7 year olds and broken noses.

that was harsh, he thought. he'd forgiven eames for the nose. mainly for practical reasons, i.e. he needed to get out of this place, but he also couldn't stay mad at the man. and he did shove him pretty hard.

robert got up and sloped to the bathroom, pissing and splashing his face with cold water. eames could deal with the girl. he moved on to the kitchen, washing his hands and starting to prepare breakfast. 

he poured some oil in a pan and turned on the gas, deciding that he would cook the 'family' a fry up. he figured it would serve to shut them both up for a minute, but also to apologise. he knew he was a bitch.

he opened a pack of bacon with a knife, and plopped a rasher into the pan, jumping back as some of the hot oil splashed back and burned his arm. he crouched down, grabbing the skin of his forearm tightly, curling inward with the pain. "ffuck.." he bit out.

"uh daddy you swore!!" and there was laura.

"fu-ucking hell" he whispered. "yeah, i know," he said louder, to laura. "sorry." this was such a shit situation. crouched in his underwear and a t shirt in a tiny kitchen, forearm skin being burned by hot oil and a little girl, whose responsibility was his, telling him off. and they man he might love but also might hate, being chill about everything and lying in their shared bed. and the threat of being turned into an animal and/or losing his fortune if he didn't make it all work. he was just a little over whelmed.

"papa daddy swore!!" laura yelled. eames plodded into the kitchen, still half asleep. 

"whats all this yelling about hm?" he picks laura up and swings her round, setting her on the table. she finds this very amusing. he then crouches to were robert is now sitting, still holding his arm. "you alright love? lets see," he shushes.

robert lets him take his arm. "i burned it. i was trying to cook bacon." 

"ouch!! that looks sore darling. sit up, i'll finish the breakfast." as robert moves to the table, eames changes his mind. "actually i'll find the first aid kit, there might be some burn cream in there."

that left robert alone with laura. she was quieter now.

"are you alright daddy?" she asked.

"yeah, i’m fine," he answered weakly.

"is your arm ok?" she really seemed concerned. she was really quite sweet.

"yeah, can you listen to be for a second laura?" she nodded. maybe she recognised his serious tone. "you have to stop calling me daddy, yeah? call me robert." she frowned.

"but you're my new daddy.." he winced. this was a shit conversation. how did he get here.

"no," he tried not to be cold, cruel. "no i'm not."

\---

"is she asleep?" robert asked. it was around midnight, and he was stood at the back of their yacht. he was holding a bundled up bedsheet that contained all the belongings he wanted to keep- they didn't have rucksacks. everything that would be ruined by water was knotted tightly in a carrier bag.

"yeah," replied eames, walking onto the deck. he was wearing underwear and a t shirt. robert was wearing pyjama bottoms, a t shirt, and his socks.

"they're unnecessary" eames had said.

"i'll get cold," had been his reply. now they were both a bit chilly as they stood in the sea air.

the two were planning to do something quite reckless. they had recently learned that they would be expected to take laura with them into their life as a couple outside of the hotel. they didn't really want this, so instead opted to potentially risk their lives in several ways by jumping off the back of their yacht, swimming to shore and joining the loners in the woods. at this point potential risks included; being caught and turned into animals, at any point, killed by the loners that may find out they are a couple, drowning, freezing to death and starving to death. understandably, eames had his doubts.

"should we do this," he asked, hugging his chest.

"i mean, if you want to stay behind and look after her, go ahead, but i'm leaving,"

"i know but like, morally. isn't it a bit harsh to abandon an orphan on a boat. especially since she thinks we're her new dads."

"i never asked to be her new dad. and we don't know that she's an orphan. she could've been taken off her parents because they abused her or some shit-"

"jesus like that's any better! look, i'm not saying we need to adopt her or anything, but i think we need to think about this a bit more,"

robert sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "i can't look after her. i'm sorry eames but i'm just not dad material. and it's not like we're leaving her to fend for herself. they check up on us every four fucking hours, they'll find her before she even gets hungry. she'll be fine." eames looked at him for a good few seconds.

"ok."

"i love you."

"i love you too. i love you so much."

they kissed and it was nice. they took up their bundles and awkwardly climbed out of the boat and into the sea. even though it was august, the water was a biting cold. they swam quickly, so not to freeze, and didn't pause to think what they were getting themselves into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that ending was weak lol but hey it's 4am and i! dont! care! i love it !! idk when the next chapter of this will come out. i haven't successfully written a multi-chap fic in 2 years, so we'll see how this goes. hopefully soon tho !! also if u leave comments i will probably write chap 3 quicker ;)


End file.
